


(Not so) Sudden Truth

by ProdigalEzplorer (Asguardian)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Ace sylvain Jose gautier, Canon Typical Violence, F/F, F/M, M/M, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Trans Original Characters, Trans Sylvain Jose Gautier, not so positive depictions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:53:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26936182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asguardian/pseuds/ProdigalEzplorer
Summary: Sylvain had always questioned aspects of their life, aspects of their identity. It took time to figure it all out.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Original Character(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	(Not so) Sudden Truth

**Author's Note:**

> TRANS SYLVAIN TAG NEEDS MORE FIC
> 
> Warnings: while nothing is truly non-con, there is some description of Sylvain not being... fully into it. I could see where that would be a little squicky.

Figuring it out came in steps. The first time they put lipstick on and stood in front of the mirror, it was unlike anything they had ever experienced before. The girl in the mirror had curly red hair piled on her head, golden-brown eyes. She was so radiant.  
But then she wiped the lipstick off and a boy stood in her place. They didn’t dislike that person either. He was cute, a nice jaw, strong shoulders. He looked handsome.  
You couldn’t be both though, right? So Sylvain shrugged, put their uniform back on, and headed out to interact with the world.

The next time was while fucking some girl. She was noisy, all airy gasps. Her long nails that grated on his back were painted a glossy green, strangely matching his envy of their color. Her make-up was lovely, eyeliner, and the now smudged lipgloss. Blush on her cheeks.  
He was envious. Not of her pleasure, though it sounded like she was having fun, but of her. Those eyes, those lips, the make-up she could shamelessly wear on her face.  
Sylvain paid no attention to his own body, so focused on what he could do to evoke more reactions out of her. He wanted to study her, understand every aspect of what made her, her. It was a struggle to force his orgasm, the girl all but angrily demanding it of him as he pushed her through her orgasm.  
Somehow he managed. Then he was putting his clothes back on and out the door while she gave an indignant, “Hey!”

It was still alluding Sylvain while sucking her dick. This girl was so cute, her svelte body and a cute butt as well… Even her penis was pretty. Sylvain felt envy of her softer cheeks and the way she had grown her hair out. Lucky.  
Everything in her life felt like it was hallmarked in jealousy. Jealousy of this girl getting to be herself, jealous of her enjoying herself as Sylvain felt a million miles away from her own body and mind.  
After the girl finished, hand yanking Sylvain’s hair, she let out a breathless giggle. “Can I return the favor?”  
“Sure,” Sylvain intoned, standing. She dropped her trousers for the girl and pulled her cock out, watching as the pretty brunette fell to her knees.  
Sylvain guessed that this girl was good at giving head. No teeth, plenty of suction, pretty eyes watery as she sucked Sylvain’s dick into her throat. Sylvain forced herself to come, tired of watching pretty brown eyes try to please her in a way she hadn’t felt once in her life.  
The girl swallowed her load, grinning up at Sylvain. “Good?”  
“Amazing,” Sylvain lied.

Giving oral wasn’t hard, which was more than he could say about the continued confusion around his feelings. This guy was incredibly handsome, with sharp angles, slight peach fuzz on his jaw. Even his musk smelled good, some sort of cinnamon-spiced soap or something.  
“God, you’re such a slut. I knew the rumors about you were true. You’re just a whore, desperate for anyone to fuck you.”  
Sylvain made an agreeable whine because, sure. Whatever got somebody off.  
The guy switched tactics, grabbing his hair and rubbing Sylvain’s face all over his slick genitals. A gush of hot fluids splattered against Sylvain’s face and that was it, the guy was done.  
He didn’t even feel upset when the guy left without even checking to see if Sylvain had come as well. Sylvain couldn’t even find the will in himself to care.

The slap of a hand against skin was loud in the courtyard.  
“-don’t care about anyone! You’re a selfish asshole who only-“  
Her words seemed to flow in and out as Sylvain slowly processed what they…  
Yes, they…  
Had finally started to understand. They weren’t a boy and they weren’t a girl. It was easy when they started to wrap their mind around. The swinging euphoria of seeing himself completely masculine and then seeing herself as feminine. Both.  
They were almost ready to apologize to this girl since her slap had finally spelled this out for them, but she was already storming away.  
All they were left with was a stinging cheek.

While they had solved one riddle, another remained.  
Why the fuck was everyone so obsessed with fucking?  
They did it all the time, of course. Boys, girls, non-binary folks like themselves… Everyone.  
Deep in this guy’s ass, he wasn’t even here, in the act. Their mind was miles away, moving pieces in chess games. Debating topics. Even training.  
Felix would be so proud.  
“Sylvain! Oh, fuck, Sylvain!” And the sweet boy finished in a cute little groan. Sylvain forced himself over with a sound of his own. They had learned along the way most people disliked thinking that Sylvain didn’t also enjoy themself.   
It didn’t matter though. Sylvain was broken, they guessed. All this sex stuff, whatever. They were expected to produce an heir. Sex was only a means to an end.   
So why were they fucking everyone? Why not just partners that would produce a child with them?

The war came. And for a while, everything stopped. And then everything moved so fast, they could barely process each day, each minute.  
Blur upon blur of fighting, bleeding, death, exhaustion, paranoia, fear…   
It felt like a dream or a walking nightmare. They couldn’t tell why this was happening. They couldn’t tell why this was- They couldn’t-

Felix came to them. He was tired, frazzled, and angry. Angry with nowhere to direct the emotion. Sylvain offered stress relief with a smile.  
“What you need, is to get laid. Let’s go find some girls! I’ll be your wingman!” They were pretty used to misgendering themselves at this point. Even though Felix would likely understand, maybe even empathize, Sylvain found themselves nervous.  
It had been a “secret” for so long, something they hadn’t even really discovered until so recently.  
“For the last time, I do not want to go “find some girls,” Felix grumbled, imitating the way Sylvain’s voice would lilt when they offered to help get him laid.  
“Let’s go find some… boys?”  
Felix scoffed, “I’m not particularly interested in “boys” either.”  
“Are you interested in… anyone?”  
“I don’t know. The thought of trying to fuck someone cis makes me feel tired.”  
Sylvain snorted, “Yeah?”  
“Goddess, the last time I tried to have sex, I stripped, they saw I didn’t have the junk they were expecting and bolted. I don’t think I could handle that again.”  
“So, if someone knew you were trans masc first? Maybe that would make it easier?”  
“Yeah, there are so many people accepting of trans people here, in Faerghus, in the middle of the war.”  
“There’s me,” Sylvain blurted, unable to stop themself. What were they doing?  
Felix’s eyebrows might have hit the ceiling. Then they dropped into one of the most furious glares Sylvain had ever seen on the man.  
“Are you making fun of me?”  
Alright, nut up or shut up.  
“No- Felix, I mean- We could-“  
The expression wasn’t easing on Felix’s face.  
“Look, we could try it. You know me, we’re friends. I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t like and I know you’re trans. If at any point, you wanted to stop, we’d just stop. And if you hate it, we never have to mention it to one another ever again.” Sylvain gushed all the words out in one breath, Felix’s expression slowly warping into something more neutral.  
“You’re being serious.”  
With no reason to try to explain themselves further, they only nodded.  
“Hm.”  
And with that, Felix walked away.

Time ticked on and they really hadn’t been up to messing around lately. All the cute people at the tavern, giggling behind their drinks, winking when they walked by, grabbing their ass...  
It was all tiring. And more than they had ever thought so before.  
Sylvain took this cute boy home, ate him out so thoroughly that he was squirming through his third orgasm when he finally tapped out.  
“So you gonna stick that in me sometime tonight, big boy?”  
They stared down at their dick. They were stiff, but it sort of felt like an automatic response and not something they actually wanted to act on. But they were a people pleaser at heart and the desperation to be close to someone was hard to ignore right now with all the death at their doorstep.  
With a little fanfare, he sunk into the guy’s cunt, while he moaned and groaned.  
“Oh fuck, you’re so good- Yeah, fuck me, man-“  
Sylvain swallowed. They were struggling to hear the words right now. They weren’t feeling masculine in the least today and it was really fucking them up to keep being misgendered.  
It was harder to ignore every day. Every time they felt trapped, forced to perform in the hopes that someone would just… love them. Love them for who they were.  
They finished in record time. Maybe five minutes.  
“My pussy that good?” He laughed as Sylvain pulled out. “For how good you were at giving head, I sort of expected you to last longer.”  
“Ah, sorry. I’m kind of tired,” Sylvain replied, unable to fake it as well as they usually did. They got dressed as the boy did the same.  
“Will I see you again?”  
“Probably not.” And with that, Sylvain opened the door and left.

“What were you doing last night?” Ingrid accused them first thing in the morning, furiously glaring at the hickies that decorated his throat.   
“Getting laid. Maybe you should try it,” Sylvain joked as Ingrid’s expression darkened.  
“That isn’t funny, Sylvain.” She hissed, clenching her fists at her side.  
“Why? Because they might have to remove the stick in your ass first?”  
Ingrid’s slap really stung.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She shouted, waiting for a reply that never came. Finally, she stormed off, leaving Sylvain with an aching cheek.  
“I don’t know,” And they truly didn’t.

The hickies had healed by the time they found themselves alone with a bottle of wine. They would have far more preferred something stronger, but they figured if they downed the entire bottle, it should do the trick.  
Alcohol was easier to find than someone to fill the void in themselves.  
“What are you doing?” Felix asked, somehow appearing at the front of his tent.  
“Hey, Felix! Drinking! Want some?” Sylvain offered the bottle, as Felix’s expression mirrored the one he had seen Ingrid give him over a week ago.   
“Knock it off, Sylvain. What’s going on?”  
They only replied with a deep swig from the bottle. Felix lunged forward and grabbed the bottle, the two of them had a weak scuffle before Felix snatched away the bottle. At least half of it had been dumped and most of that on Sylvain themself.  
“Talk.” He demanded, holding the bottle away as Sylvain tried to take it back.  
“We’re fucking at war, Felix. We just killed our classmates. Our friends. I don’t want to talk about it!”  
“I talked with Ingrid. She said you‘ve been avoiding her, so what is going on?”  
“She fucking slapped me, and she’s upset that I’m avoiding her?” Sylvain groused, grabbing for the bottle again. It was hopeless unless they wanted to actually wrestle for it.  
“Sylvain.”  
“Felix.” They parroted back, getting irritated.  
“Everyone knows you apologize to Ingrid like, within 24 hours of an argument with her. For you have to left it this long is weird. Even for you, man.”  
“Don’t call me that,” Sylvain snapped, glaring up at Felix before diverting their gaze. They hadn’t meant to snap like that.  
“Don’t call you man?” Felix queried, tilting his head, waiting for Sylvain to continue.  
“I’m not. I’m not… a man.”  
“Okay.”  
For some reason, they expected judgment, or… something. Instead, Felix sat down.  
“You know, that I’m not going to judge you, Sylvain.” Felix scoffed, reading his mind before setting the bottle aside. “I know quite what it feels like to question your identity. To fear that no one will accept you as you are,” A few seconds of silence passed, as Sylvain struggled with what to say. “Let’s start simple. What pronouns would you like for me to use right now? Just between the two of us.”  
“They/Them,” Sylvain answered, quietly.  
“Alright. That’s easy enough.”  
There’s was another lapse of silence.  
“I’m not going to give you this bottle back, you know.”  
“I hadn’t figured you would.”  
“Good,” Felix replied, turning to face Sylvain once more. “Stop drinking. Stop… running. Give yourself time to process this.” He held up a hand at Sylvain’s start of a protest. “I know, we’re at war. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take some time out for yourself. Do you think I train only to protect your stupid ass on the field?”  
Sylvain raised an eyebrow with a small smirk, “Yeah?”  
“Okay, well, that’s not the only reason. It gives me time to think. Make sure you do whatever is your equivalent. Or you could come join me in the morning?”  
“Never,” Sylvain smiled.  
With a bark of a laugh, Felix stood, “Good night, Sylvain.”  
“Good night, Felix.”

They didn’t set aside time to reflect on it at all.

They tried to set aside time for it, but the war just… kept happening.

So it wasn’t too surprising when they ended up drunk, stumbling back with a fellow soldier to her tent.  
“Oops, sorry!” The girl called after bumping into someone, hand still tight around Sylvain’s own.  
“Hmph.”  
It was Felix.  
The girl was already pulling Sylvain away, but all they could see was Felix’s face of disappointment.   
“Hey-“ She began angrily, but Sylvain had gone limp, losing her hand.  
“Maybe next time,” They mumbled, watching as her face transformed with her rage.  
“Fucking loser-“  
Sylvain remained unmoved, but the girl stormed off, leaving them alone with Felix.  
“You’re drunk.”  
“I am.”  
Felix huffed a sigh and stepped forward, “Come on. Let’s get you back to your tent.” He offered his hand and Sylvain took it.  
Felix’s hand felt good in theirs.  
There was no urgency in Felix’s steps as they headed to Sylvain’s test. They were honestly a little unsteady on their feet, but it wasn’t so bad that they had to lean on Felix to make it back.  
“Any particular reason you were drinking?”  
“Sad,” Sylvain answered, figuring there was no reason to hide it from their best friend.  
There was a thoughtful hum from Felix. “Next time, just come find me. We can go to train or play chess, or whatever. Just don’t go drinking and end up… doing something stupid.”  
“You’d play chess with me?” They teased, loving how it made Felix slow in such a way that might have read as a stumble.  
“I just don’t want you to do something you might regret.”  
Both lapsed into silence as they finally made it to Sylvain’s tent. The small space loomed in front of them, too large for just their body.  
“Would you stay?” Sylvain whispered.  
“Here tonight?” Felix looked at their face for a moment and then nodded.  
Together they stepped into the tent. Sylvain wasted no time, removing their shoes and placing both by the entrance. They knew Felix followed suite only because Sylvain did it first. Felix was much more the type to just kick of his shoes wherever. After that, they shrugged out of their shirt and pants, opening their trunk to snag a nightshirt.  
One of their sets of lacy nightgowns was near the top and as they stared down at it, the urge to wear it grew. They lifted the dainty fabric and pulled it over their head. At that, they returned around to look once again at Felix.  
He smiled and gave a short nod, “It looks good on you.”  
“Thanks,” They replied. “The tailor had fun making editing a few items for my proportions.”  
Sylvain snuggled into the sleep sack as Felix finished his nightly preparations. They weren’t super messed up, but it was enough to feel buzzed and just a little bit out of their body.  
Felix joined them, “It’s been a while since we slept in the same bed… If this can be called a bed.”  
“Yeah, it’s been a while,” They said sleepily, facing the ceiling on their back. “It hasn’t been since…”  
“Since Miklan died.”  
“When we both became only children.”  
“When Miklan finally got what he deserved for being the worst fucking human alive.”  
Sylvain snorted, “Who gets that honor now?” They rolled onto their side to better look at Felix.  
“Your father, I think.”  
“I would almost think you were sweet on me with how you hate my family.”  
Felix also rolled onto his side, facing Sylvain. “Sylvain, you’re my best friend. I care more about you than anyone else. Of course, I hate the people who have hurt you.”  
They were just drunk enough that it hit a nerve, tears springing to their eyes. “You’re too good for me,” Sylvain sniffled, trying to sound sarcastic, but only managing to sound pitiful.  
Felix didn’t deign to reply, just pulled Sylvain into his arms.

Morning came and Felix was gone. Sylvain tried to hold back the anxious way their heart seized at the empty pallet.   
Then Felix was poking his head back into the tent, holding a plate of breakfast foods and two piping hot coffees.  
“There’s no creamer to be found anywhere, so I dumped some sugar in yours, but I’ve already forgotten which is which. So try one and if it isn’t sweet, it isn’t yours.” Felix shuffled onto the floor, passing Sylvain one of the mugs expectantly.   
Sylvain choked on the pure black coffee. “This one is yours.”  
Felix grinned, taking a sip of the mug in his own hands. “There’s no sugar in either.”  
“You bastard,” Sylvain pretended to be horrified. “And I thought we were friends!”  
“Oh, we are. I got you a sweet bun. And I promise it’s actually a sweet bun.”  
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you again,” They gasped in fake indignation before scooping up the sugary-dusted bun. It was heaven in their mouth. “Mm-“  
“You’d better enjoy it. Those are what Mercedes decided to use all of the remaining sugar on.”  
They sighed, “Of course she did…” Sylvain looked down at their disgusting coffee.  
“You want-?”  
“Absolutely,” interrupted Felix, taking the mug from Sylvain. In exchange though, he held out his water flask, offering it as a trade.  
“Thank you,” They nodded, accepting it and knocking back a good swig.  
A comfortable silence fell over the two of them, the morning birds chirping in the distance.   
Not everything was marred by war.  
“Hey listen, Sylvain. Whatever you were trying to do last night…” Felix wasn’t looking at them, instead, he was staring down at the cup in his hands. “With that girl...” He sucked in a breath, finally looking up. “Come to me instead.”  
For a moment, all they could hear was the sound of air whooshing in their ears.  
“What?”  
“Don’t make me repeat myself!” Felix grumped, setting his mug down with far too much force.   
“No, I mean. What makes you think that-“  
There was a blush creeping up Felix’s face and Sylvain could feel themself starting to blush as well.  
“You offered,” Mumbled Felix, staring at Sylvain despite his quiet tone.  
It took Sylvain several moments before they finally remembered: stress relief. They had offered to help Felix.  
“If you wanted to,” They replied, slowly setting down their drink. “I mean, like, not just because you don’t want me-“ Sylvain sighed. “Because you don’t want me to mess around with others, but because… You want to spend the time… With me.”  
Felix gave a short nod.  
The smile that spread across Sylvain’s face was unstoppable.  
“Okay, yeah. Yeah, I’d love that.”  
“Great. Then. Next time,” He waved his hand at Sylvain. “Come find me.”  
“Maybe… just don’t go? Just stay?”  
“Alright.”

It was some form of heaven. Felix stayed. In all the hell that was this war, Sylvain at least could come home to Felix. “Home.” Their tent but, whatever.  
Sylvain could wear their lace underwear or their boxers, and Felix would quietly comment on how good they looked.  
They found their self-destructive tendencies were so much less… heavy with Felix around.  
But still, they were beginning to doubt why they didn’t want to fool around with Felix. Instead of their usual self-hatred, this new anxiety questioned if they would be “enough” for Felix.  
After all, they had caught Felix masturbating at least once. He had his hand in his pants, breathing hard with his eyes closed. With anyone else, Sylvain would have probably made some quip about joining in. Yet, Felix? They couldn’t imagine interrupting such a private moment.

One night while cuddling in their tent, Felix looked up to Sylvain from their lap.  
“Look, no pressure, but you have not once asked for sex. Which, again, not trying to judge, but considering your reputation, I was kind of expecting it.”  
“I just haven’t been in the mood.” Sylvain looked down.  
Felix hummed, “I get that. This war is…”  
The two of them fell into a silence, Sylvain threading their fingers gently through Felix’s hair.  
“There’s not… Something about me you don’t want though, right?”  
“What? No,” They answered quickly. “No, you’re-“  
And Felix was looking up at them with those gorgeous eyes, face a neutral mask, but so him that it made Sylvain’s heart flutter.  
“You’re the most stunning man I’ve ever seen.”  
A soft blush spread across Felix’s cheeks. “Stupid,” He mumbled before dropping the conversation.

They had probably been in some form of love with Felix all of their life. However, it was never more clear to them when they watched Felix fall, two arrows in his shoulder.  
Sylvain screamed.  
Matilda had never run so fast in her life, rushing to Felix’s fallen form on the battlefield.  
Sylvain flew into action, lance swirling to fend off the enemies growing closer to Felix’s prone form. As soon as there was enough of a lull, they slid off their house, hauled Felix across Matilda’s back, and hightailed it back to base.  
Marianne was attending a soldier’s broken ankle when Sylvain halted their horse sharply in front of her. The glow of her white magic was just fading from that wound when her eyes landed on Felix.  
“Quickly, get him down,” She uttered, voice always so quiet.  
Sylvain’s heart was in their chest. Marianne directed them to help remove the arrows, rinse the wounds. The arrows were poisoned and had hit deep. He was alive though.  
They watched in fraught silence as Marianne’s hands glowed over Felix’s bloody wounds.  
“He’ll make it,” Marianne whispered, her confidence contagious.  
“He has to. We promised…”

Sylvain didn’t return to the battle. They stayed and helped Marianne, using it as an excuse to stay near Felix’s side.  
When he woke up, Sylvain was there, almost dropping the pan of water he was carrying to clean out the last vestiges of the wound.   
They set aside the water, coming to Felix’s side.   
“Felix…”  
Felix’s eyes were a little hazy, clearly still trying to clear out the poison. They had massaged his throat to make him drink poultices while Felix was still unconscious. Anything to try and assist getting the poison out of his system.  
“I feel like shit.”  
“You were shot with poison arrows. I’m surprised you’re awake.”  
“Mm,” Felix nodded, not willing to concede anything else. A few beats of silence passed as Sylvain dipped a rag into the water he had brought, intending to clean Felix’s wounds. The rag was almost at the wound when Felix spoke again. “Tonight.”  
“Tonight?” Sylvain questioned, dabbing the wet cloth against the wound. Felix winced.  
“Tonight,” He repeated, the faintest blush dusting his cheeks, reddening his ears. “Have sex with me.”  
They snorted, but dropped their voice, “Yeah?”  
“Yes.”

But when night fell, Sylvain’s heart was trapped in his throat. The nervousness was strange. The feeling that this was… was a lie… was all but choking them.  
This… what? What was this?  
Sylvain was fiddling with a whetstone when Felix slid into their tent, looking like a vision from the Goddess. His hair was down, he was in a loose shirt but tight pants. He had taken off his binder, so Sylvain could see his cute pert breasts…  
“You’re staring.”  
“Sorry, do you not want me to?” They asked in all sincerity. It was never a goal of Sylvain’s to make a partner uncomfortable in any way. Usually, the best way to guarantee that was just to keep communication open.  
“I don’t mind,” Felix blushed, breaking eye contact. “If it’s you.”  
Sylvain smiled. They couldn’t help it. They loved Felix so much it was hard to describe.  
“C’mere.”  
With no hesitation, Felix came forward. He kneeled near Sylvain before Sylvain tugged him into their lap.  
“May I…”  
“Don’t ask, just do,” Felix huffed, finally kissing Sylvain. It was perfect. It was indescribable. Felix tasted like pine needle tea with an odd undertone of something medicinal couple with whatever salted meat he must have eaten recently.   
So when Felix ground down on Sylvain’s crotch, that too should have felt perfect. But nothing happened. It wasn’t electric, it didn’t feel like the clouds parting and understanding blooming in their mind. Guilt wracked them immediately; Felix wanted a partner that would be enthused to fuck him, not… whatever this response was.  
“Something wrong?” Felix whispered, running his fingers back on Sylvain’s cheek and into his hair.  
Sylvain struggled to swallow before managing to answer, “I, uh, had thought at one point you had said you’d never be into penetration.”  
“I’m not,” He answered flatly. “I just figured you’d want to get off from this encounter, too.”  
“Right.”  
The mood was broken, Felix’s brow furrowing.  
“Do you not want this, Sylvain?”  
“What, no! Of course, I want it. I want you! I do. Sorry, uh, my head’s just in a weird place. You scared me today, you know.”  
Felix hummed, “We don’t have to do this tonight if you don’t want to.”  
It was an out, but Sylvain knew that if they took it, Felix would undoubtedly think that they weren’t interested in them. And Sylvain could not bear to let Lose Felix.  
“No, it’s fine. I just need to hear more from you,” They switched to a whisper, grabbing Felix’s ass and tugging him even closer. Once again their lips met and clearly, Felix liked this response better. A small gasp escaped him and Sylvain shuddered; hearing Felix enjoying himself was something close to music in his ears.  
Felix tugged at Sylvain’s clothes, fussing with the buttons of their shirt aggressively. Sylvain aided in removing the shirt, putting it aside gently. They showed far more restraint on Felix’s top, knowing that his wound was far better but still not fully healed. Despite their restraint, Felix ripped it over his head and threw it aside.  
“That’s no way to treat such a lovely shirt.”  
“Oh, shut up,” Felix grunted. “Clothing is replaceable.”  
“Well, that’s no reason to be-“ A kiss shut them up before they could continue.  
It seemed their pants are the next thing that Felix wanted off and Sylvain panicked.  
Diversion had always been one of their best tactics, so they threw their weight to the side and knocked them both to the ground. They moved their leg between Felix’s legs and ground down, delighting in the gasp that escaped Felix.  
“Yeah, you like that?”  
“Fuck, Sylvain,” Felix jerked Sylvain back to his lips, tugging their lower lip with his teeth.  
The knowledge that Felix was enjoying himself made Sylvain feel a type of happiness they hadn’t known before. But they weren’t hard and the lack of arousal was starting to become a pressure in the back of their mind. There was no way Felix wouldn’t think he’d done something wrong. That something was wrong with him.   
Sylvain had to keep him from noticing.  
They kissed from Felix’s mouth to his throat, dipping down to his breasts. At the soft mounds, they paused, looking to Felix for confirmation. A sharp nod and Sylvain moved to grope one with their hands. It was soft and felt nice in their hand. They’d fucked people with breasts before and knew that most liked the nipples played with. So they went for that, tweaking one with their fingers, placing their mouth over the other.   
“Sylvain, ah-“ He responded, scrabbling to find a place for his hands, settling in the fluff of Sylvain’s red hair. “Hey, careful with the teeth.”   
“Sorry,” but they kept their lips near the nipple, flicked their tongue out turning Felix’s ‘humph’ into an airy gasp instead.  
“Bastard.”  
“Mmhmm,” They went back to their work, mouthing over the mounds, fondling, all the while Felix writhed under them impatiently.  
“Can I taste you?” Sylvain asked, concerned at how red Felix turned. Dark enough to rival a beet.   
Before they can even suck in a breath to backtrack, Felix shook his head.  
“You can. But don’t. Don’t say anything.”  
“What would I say? You’re so beau-“  
“No! Shut up. Don’t say anything.” Felix jerked his hand back from Sylvain’s hair, crossing his arms over his chest. “And especially don’t say that.”  
“Beautiful?”  
“Yeah,” Felix mumbled. “Glenn would call me that but he didn’t know… He didn’t know I was a man.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…”  
“I know,” He grumbled, pouting something fierce. “Don’t do it again, but… don’t stop either.”  
Sylvain huffed out a laugh, “Yes, sir.”  
Permission granted, Sylvain jumped right back in, trailing kisses down Felix’s stomach, pooling their tongue into his belly button.  
“Hey-“  
But the protest was lost in the motion, Sylvain moving on to their real goal. Felix’s pants.   
They’re having fun, they’re enjoying it, but there’s still no response. No coiling in their stomach, no “throbbing” or whatever the fuck romance novels reference. Hell, they’ve read every single one of Bernadetta’s works and outside of the love, the other feelings she writes about are as foreign as Brigid’s forests.  
That is to say, they know they exist but can’t say they’ve ever been.  
Still, they pressed on, undoing Felix’s pants with practiced ease. The chance a glance up once they’ve got his pants open and Felix is so radiant they have to pause.  
It’s lucky that ‘beautiful’ doesn’t even encompass what they see at this moment and they’re once again choked up.  
“What?” Questioned Felix softly, confused as to why Sylvain had suddenly stopped.  
“You’re like the sun.”  
“What?” He asked again, embarrassed once more judging by the red that spread down to his chest.  
“You’re like the sun. If I were to gaze upon you forever, I would surely go blind.”  
“Sylvain-“  
They don’t wait for Felix to gather his thoughts, returning instead to get Felix’s pants out of the way. When they pull down his pants, his underwear is damp, which causes Sylvain to grin. What can they say, they do take a little pride in being able to cause such reactions in others.  
Felix twitched his legs as if he wanted to close them and Sylvain braces their hands against his legs before realizing their action and loosening their grip.  
“Do you want to stop?”  
“No. Just stop staring.”  
So Sylvain stopped staring and started doing. They nuzzled their face against Felix’s mound and delighted in Felix’s responsive sounds. With help from Felix, they removed the underwear out of their way and greeted Felix with all enthusiasm their mouth could offer.  
And there was little doubt in their mind that Felix enjoyed himself.  
“Sylvain, oh fuck, Sylvain-“ He groaned as Sylvain swirled his tongue around his member. They paused and sucked it into their mouth and Felix cried out like a man possessed. “Like that, Sylvain, Sylvain-“  
They sucked at it, occasionally letting their tongue flick at the tip and before long, Felix jerked against their mouth and an oddly silent moment passed between them. Then he screamed his pleasure and Sylvain doubted that anyone would miss hearing that.  
He didn’t look embarrassed though, not now. All blissed out and happy, reaching out for Sylvain to come back up. They moved willingly, kissed those parted lips, and hummed happily when Felix gave a little tug to their hair.  
“My turn,” he whispered and just like that, the dread rushed up to their throat, dizzying in its intensity.  
“It’s fine, Felix, you don’t have-“  
Maybe it was supposed to be sexy, but it goes over as anything but. Felix grabbed Sylvain’s crotch, felt the lack of arousal and his expression dropped into something resembling disappointment.  
If Sylvain felt as if they were going to hurl before, now they felt like hurling and then passing out.  
“What-“  
“I don’t like sex,” Sylvain blurted before they could think of a better way to put it.  
Instead of fury, Felix only cocked his head. “What do you mean?”  
“I mean, like, it’s uhm, more like a game-“ The darkened shadow returned to Felix’s face. “No, it’s like, uhm, a challenge?” They have a shovel and they are digging their own grave. They buried the heel of their hands against their eye sockets. “Fuck, I’m not explaining this right.”  
Felix waited for something more and when Sylvain didn’t offer anything, he filled the silence.  
“Ace.”  
Sylvain slid their hands down their face, once more meeting Felix’s gaze.  
“Asexual. It’s a big spectrum, but you might be ace.”  
“I’ve had a ton of sex-“  
“And that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve enjoyed any of it.”  
“I enjoyed what we did just now-“  
“But that’s because you wanted to see if you could get me off. The challenge.”  
“No, Felix, I love you-“  
Sylvain’s mouth snapped shut. They are ready to die now.  
“You love me?”  
“Yeah…”  
“I love you, too.”  
“I understand if- what?”  
“I love you, too.”  
“How?” They are truly choked up now, breath coming out in frantic pants.  
“Breath, breath,” Felix whispered, guiding Sylvain down beside him, stroking their face, their hair. “You’re okay. Breath.”  
It took a good few minutes but Sylvain finally regained his faculties.  
“You good?” Felix ran a finger down Sylvain’s nose, gave it a boop at the tip.  
“Yeah,” it was a reply, but it was a wispy thing, barely audible.  
“Good. What caused that?”  
“You saying ‘I love you’”  
“Why?”  
“Because you can’t mean it.”  
A single eyebrow is raised. “Have you ever known me to say things I didn’t mean?”  
The validity of this point once again winded Sylvain. They manage to not let it take them out this round.  
“Listen Sylvain. I think you should call it a night, tonight. Tomorrow we can talk some more and I can give you some literature on asexuality and you can let me know if it fits you.  
But for now. Sleep.”

They slept, but not well. They had an odd dream, one where Miklan found about their identity, about their asexuality (?), and bullied them about that. It escalated until Miklan told their parents, the last nail in the coffin before they too were once more thrown into the well-  
They woke up in a cold sweat, gasping as they disturbed Felix beside them.  
Somehow a knife was suddenly in Felix’s hand, sitting up in a flash, even as he grumbled out, “wha-izz-it?”  
Leave it to Felix to lighten the mood.  
“Yeah? A knife, but you aren’t even awake enough to know what the danger is?”  
“Stab first, questions later,” He huffed, putting the blade aside. “What’s wrong?”  
“Bad dreams.”  
“Want to talk about it?”  
“No.”  
Felix hummed and nodded, “Okay.” He scratched his neck before threading his fingers through his loose, and honestly quite messy, hair. “Want to come train with me?”  
“You know I don’t.”

They went anyway. Together they sparred and Felix forced Sylvain to break a sweat and otherwise ruin a perfectly good morning.  
But they were in love and Felix was so fucking gorgeous, that maybe they could let it slide.  
Besides, breakfast offered some fresh fruit and that definitely improved their day.  
After Felix went one way and Sylvain went the other, various duties calling them in different directions. However, the two met back up in the afternoon, Felix toting a couple of small books.  
“Here,” He tossed one directly at Sylvain’s head. They caught it in a deft swipe, frowning at Felix’s lack of care. “It’s dry, but it explains it all pretty clearly. Or at least, that’s what my other ace friends have said.”  
“You have other friends?”  
“Fuck you.” He stuck his tongue out for good measure. Sylvain mirrored the response.  
Felix settled down with whatever literature he had chosen for himself and they read.

It was a lot. At first, Sylvain didn’t believe what they read. Every page that turned, they felt more and more like it was confirming what they already knew.  
They didn’t have sexual desire. All the sex they had had was out of some warped form of self-punishment. Sex with Felix had felt so different because they loved him. Maybe they were some form of Demi-sexuality, now that they knew that term as well.  
They weren’t sure about what they had just read, staring off into space as they thought. It was as if Felix could read their mind one more.  
“It’s okay not to be certain,” said Felix, still looking down at his book. “Everyone finds their way in time.”  
“How did you know?”  
“How did you know you were non-binary?” Felix shot back, looking up now, putting the book aside. “It just connected one day, right? Little things built up until it all fit together.  
Just think about what you’ve read and seen if it fits how you view yourself.”  
“And if I am… If I am ace… Will you stay with me?”  
Felix rolled his eyes, “Sylvain. Of course, I’m going to stay with you. I’ve loved you all my life.” His voice dropped, mumbling under his breath as he picked his book back up. “Will you stay with me?” What the fuck kind of question is that? Idiot.”  
“I love you, too, Felix.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If you feel up to it, I would love a comment :) Even if you just say hi! ... Or if you’re feeling especially bold, tell me your favorite number and I’ll write you a little Sylvix ditty :D (any favorite numbers over 50 are gonna get 50 words LOLOL)


End file.
